Anger is a difficult emotion to deal with. It’s powerful and influential for all the wrong reasons. Left unchecked it eventually tears you apart at the core until it’s the only emotion you know. Currently anger is trying to take me over and I’m actively working to overcome it. By no means is anger all bad, it’s a type of self expression in response to a negative or toxic person, situation, environment. It can even stem from fear and loads of other circumstances. For me this anger stems from sudden losses coupled with betrayal which I’m still coping with. Day by day it becomes easier but every so often my anger gets the best of me and it’s tiring and demoralizing.
I’ve mentioned in several posts the beauty in vulnerability, especially in today’s world of social media where so many carefully curate their image for the sake of likes and engagement. Somewhere along the line we lost the truth. We’re all human. We stumble, we fall, we lose, we make mistakes, and the list goes on. We live our humanity with its ups and downs but how many can say they remember and embrace the latter? It’s painful to embrace one’s humanity but it’s necessary for self growth as in individual in today’s world. In reality we all go through dark times whether it be sadness, anger, or something different all together it’s apart of the human experience.
Last summer my blog’s biggest theme was introspection and I won’t lie somewhere along the line I lost sight of that. Somewhere my passions were drowned out by other things and the the introspection I worked months to hone vanished without a trace. Now I work to regain this introspective perspective I once held so closely to my heart. I know to overcome these difficult times I first need to let go of control, acknowledge reality as is, and move forward. Dwelling on the past, even though it may be recent, is pointless and damaging. It’s defeating the purpose of rising above my anger, regaining my introspective ideals, and filling my heart with love instead of negative energy.
Lately I’ve come to realize how much negative energy affects the mind and body and it’s a feeling I wouldn’t want to wish upon anyone. I want to create a better version of me. I want to give people hope that change is possible, that there’s sunlight to be found on the pathway of darkness and despair, that there’s more to life than loss, pain, and hurt. Life will always be unpredictable but I want to learn how to fall in love with it again. I want to fully comprehend the balance of negative and positive and with introspection use them as tools for personal success and growth. 2019 is quickly coming to a close and my faith is wavering but I have hope that during these next few weeks my mind will go through the transformation I hope for. Of course everything isn’t instantaneous, it’s all a process, a long one, but I’m willing to walk this path towards freedom from anger.
Often times we fret over that which weeks, months, or years later fills us with embarrassment for expending so much energy. It’s only natural as human beings for the mind to be routed onto the negative path, the path filled with anger and resentment toward the self. It’s a caustic and bitter time filled with tears and negative energy, the type that permeates everything if caution isn’t taken sooner rather than later. Lately the universe has thrown me several curveballs in several aspects of my life, all life altering and eye opening in their own ways. Of course I was angry for weeks but as time has gone by I’ve begun to realize I poured myself into darkness when all the while the universe held a pathway of light I could walk.
This pathway is long and arduous, it looks easier than it is, light peeks between tall tree’s leaves but it touches the pathway nonetheless. I refer to this light as hope, scattered but present and lately I’m learning to embrace it. The unfortunate part of life is being hurt by those you thought loved you or you had mutual agreement on kindness and understanding. I’ve learned time and time again the pain inflicted by family is often more unbelievable and hurtful than by friends or acquaintances (not to say the latter is any better). It’s easy to hate people for hurting you but it takes kindness to move past this hate and instead consideration of the pain they may be going through. I’m still learning to grab and hold onto this kindness instead of embracing hate. It’s a daily battle but often they say you aren’t given more than you can handle. Pause for a minute and envision your current predicament like a test in school. You may fail the initial test but many more are to come. One failure doesn’t define you as a person nor does one moment rife* with hate and harsh thoughts towards yourself or another.
In a way, life is a series of test on several pathways, those composed of hatred and those composed of light & hope. We bounce between these pathways to some extent as all humans do. It’s okay to be filled with uncertainty, it’s okay to be angry, to be sad, to fail, to stumble, it’s okay to be human. There’s no need to aim for perfection especially in this modern world of social media. Never compare your behind the scenes and blooper reels to the carefully curated highlight reel of another. Many fail to show their true depth on social media, they cast away layers for the sake of likes and followings, but that’s okay. We all move through this universe as individuals and we all face some sort of struggle so don’t let the smiles fool you. Instead remember the universe’s timing. Where you stand now will inevitably change through you because you’re stronger than you think. You’re meant for greatnese just like anyone is but don’t shame your humanity in a moment of sadness or anger, learn to live and let go. Live in the moment and cry, write, or talk the feelings aside.
There’s no shame in being human in spite of what people may say. The universe put you here for a reason so keep fighting for your own pathway of light, for balance, peace, happiness. All things are at your fingertips if you push the darknesss aside instead of indulging in it. Rise above it and those who have wronged and hurt you. We all must face our choices sometime and the universe seeks balance always. Don’t dwell but do reflect and cry and scream (within reason) if need be. Let your emotions flow much like the pathways do, freely and unstructured. Life is hard enough as is, why make it more difficult for yourself by being your own obstacle. Deep breathe and reclaim your throne here and now. You’re meant to live a life that transcends just pain and sadness. I say this because I’ve lived and felt this even as I write this piece now. I can’t tell you when it’ll get better when I’m still going through the emotions but I assure you all things must come to an end, if not transform into something more and/or better. Never forget the universe is on your side.
Photography has always meant the world to me even at a young age and the selfie culture has given rise to this desire to share my work but through a different lens and angle, from the viewpoint of someone trying to fully accept themselves as is. Every. Single. Day.
I’ll preface this blog post with the fact that in spite of going to nursing school I don’t know all the ins and outs of gender and sexuality. What I do know is that growing up I never felt completely female in fact I felt quite masculine at times because I don’t have classic feminine characteristics e.g. an hourglass shape or doe like eyes, just to name a few. I have neither of those characteristics and for years I struggled with this reality. I hated myself for that, enough that I’d cry staring at my reflection and spent hours comparing myself. It was a vicious and equally toxic cycle.
This summer I came out as non binary and I’ve never been more at peace with my reflection. No longer is she my enemy but rather my pride and joy, someone I love even during stressful days. An ally, a person I want to shape and mold into a better human being to bring peace to a world filled of hate and anger. A person I no longer subject to cruel comparison of self to others. No matter how much I may compare myself I’ll always be me and in the end that’s okay. I’ve achieved quite a bit in my life like graduating from nursing school so why focus on looks? In the end it’s all superficial. What you see on the surface is subject to wear & tear from the elements. We are sensitive to the world within and around us. We fall apart, we come together.
It’s ironic I’m starting this photo diary series, but it’s not for the sake of showing off selfies just for the hell of it, but for a purpose deeper than that. Selfies/self portraits are imbued with the wonders of a clever click, imagination, a touch of wonder, and lighting. Photography has always meant the world to me even at a young age and the selfie culture has given rise to this desire to share my work but through a different lens and angle, from the viewpoint of someone trying to fully accept themselves as is. Every. Single. Day. It’s a difficult challenge but such is the wonder of life, right? Never quite easy, always fleeting, a conundrum of itself yet somehow so beautiful. I hope you reading this post is able to take something from these words and words to come. I hope I can pass along positive thoughts and strength in your direction so you may rise over whatever may be your obstacle.
Now here’s a couple of selfies from this summer. No makeup and no fancy backdrop but the light always finds me, haha. Through photography I’ve learned to embrace my face’s quirks I once hated & swore I’d save up money to reconstruct and better. My full lips, my somewhat small eyes (from certain angles & during certain facial expressions), my acne prone skin (very present here), and so forth. All things I once hated but have learned to embrace since coming out as non binary. I feel free. I feel like the me I always yearned to be but was too afraid to let loose. Not anymore though. This Aria is only beginning to unfurl her wings.
I’ve got some exciting news. After months of debating between three options I’ve finally opened a Fiverr account. For months now I’ve thought about ways to give back to the writing community and I’ve finally found a site that allows me to do so. By no means am I a master but merely an RN with a passion for creative writing and all it entails (outlining, worldbuilding, character development, etc). I’d like to think this passion should say a lot on its own and if people take interest in my gigs, my actions thereafter will support previous statements made.
For right now I’m offering beta reading for short stories, novellas, & novels. From 5000-10,000+ words varying in range from 7 to 10 days completion. I made the best estimate possible based on current life circumstances. While I have more time on my hands in one sense, in actuality there’s actually a lot I’m doing and working on behind the scenes in this wondrous thing they call life and reality. Eventually I’d loved to do art commissions and feedback on essays. I think the commissions are self explanatory while essay feedback comes from years of writing essays, including those requiring extensive research and a perfect citation list. (Thank you very much nursing school + college writing in highschool!)
Currently I’m trying to take things one day at a time and slowly expand my scope when the time is right instead of against a timeline. I figured things will bloom in due time when they’re supposed to, I simply have to faith and persistence till then to continue creating in all ways possible while staying true to myself. In other news I plan on starting my Enby Photo Diary soon as well as sharing more of my art along with samples & info about my new adult science fantasy novel, Fragments of Unity.
Feel free to contact me via Twitter as well as via email at email@example.com. Feel free to check out my Fiverr Account. I’m always open to advice, input, and suggestions!
Sometimes we’re left with two equally harsh choices to choose between. Both are equally exhausting and harsh, often heartbreaking too. Such is life but it’s difficult and draining, sapping the joy of life. There’s no such thing as perfection but a streak of abnormalities & difficulties is bound to bring tears and anger to the surface for we are only humans after all, beautifully flawed, a topic I’ve touched on many times because in my opinion it is true.
Life trips you up sometime but you have to have some semblance of belief that it’s all for a bigger reason. It’s painful introspection but a chance at self growth nonetheless. Life is tough but you’re tougher. Never forget this in times of darkness and haziness. Those moments & days will fade in due time till then keep fighting the best you can.
Hi again if you don’t know my name is Ariana but I go by Aria. Just wanted to say I’m a self taught artist (hoping to do commissions in the future!), an amateur photographer, gamer, anime lover/reviewer, writer, poet, and the list goes on.
There’s a lot I hope to bring to the blogosphere in the weeks & months to come. Please know all photos are mine unless otherwise stated, likewise for words and artwork.
In the near future I hope to start up a Ko-fi to help out in artistic and technical/musical/linguistic endeavors like buying another set of bongos and studying for the JLPT n5.
My dreams are eclectic like me from wanting to go back to school to study midwifery down to being a video game writer & becoming a Japanese interpreter, along with other goals like opening a photography store & doing paid beta and/or alpha readings for books and WIPs.
Again my name is Aria and welcome to my blog. 🙂
Feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for anything from inquiries to business proposals.
Photodiary inspired by coming out as #nonbinary a few months ago.