First and foremost, I think it’s vital that I preface this post with the fact that this was drafted/written in October 2018. (Pretty strange to think autumn is a long way from now). I plan to write a reflective series of sorts based on this area which is important to my heart and mind.
My depression has been at an all time low lately, life’s been far more disappointing and painful than I imagined possible. Throughout the anguish writing has given me a freedom others often strip away. Writing allows me to be truly myself. It’s the freedom of expression and creativity at its core, a passion I love to indulge in. Writing gives me purpose no person may ever take away. It’s an extension of myself, my soul. Unfortunately there’s days where it’s too much to handle and I’m unable to write. It’s frustrating when it occurs, but I’ve learned ways to deal with it. As previously mentioned in Off Days I acknowledge the bad moments for what they are, but work not to dwell on them.
Writer’s block happens to me for a number of reasons, but when I realize it stems from something separate from writing I work towards dealing with it accordingly. There’s many instances where I find myself obsessed with things completely out of my control so I have to figure out how to let go. Acknowledging what you can control and letting go of what you cannot is a beautiful thing and will always be to your benefit (Cycle of Control).
I accept that there will be days that my depression and fibromyalgia will inevitably worsen to an extent that clouds my mind, but I refuse to let them control me. They can knock me down momentarily but I’ll always get up. There’s no need to rush from one extreme to the other, being content is okay. For years I’ve used the negative in my life to fuel productivity by creating to my heart’s content. Negativity can breed more negativity but it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m only human and sometimes I wallow deep in negativity and the misery it brings but lately I’ve realized my high points of creativity can be linked to my darkest and most distressing moments in life. Of course my creativity is always flowing, but there’s times where it peaks exponentially.
There’s lots to learn and gain from our struggles, as the saying goes “Every cloud has its silver lining” and I personally feel this applies to a host of situations and problems we all face as human beings trying to live life without a manual. Life will knock you down but how you decide to rise can be your saving grace in the long run. Depression and chronic pain are two things that are ever present but by expressing myself through my passions I reclaim control, I reclaim domain of my life. Whenever things go downhill whether it be due to internal or external circumstances or a combination of the two I throw myself into writing. Sometimes you have to rip off the band aid and reflect on the now before you can truly move forward. Writing has given me the power to do that plus productivity.
Certain emotions don’t have to impede your progress. Only how you choose to displace or channel it can. Sadness doesn’t have to define you, nor does anger or any other negative emotion. My emotions are a catalyst for the work I do. My novel wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events 2015 was, I couldn’t undo the losses but I could refocus the energy towards positivity so I did. Such progress would be impossible if I chose to stay immersed in sadness and dwell on that which was out of my control. Of course everyone and our stories are different, the way we deal with our struggles and setbacks vary but I just wanted to say if you’re struggling with a mental illness, chronic illness, or simply are in tough spot in life currently, while you can’t control those around you you can control yourself and that is a power you should cherish and remember during the dark times.
Thanks for reading.
Ariana x
